Quiet Ineptitude

It's been a couple weeks since I've posted anything. Well, there's a reason for my recent silence. Lately I'm finding myself distinctly unable to perform certain required tasks. I've fallen well behind in my grading. Roughly three week's worth of laundry went unwashed for far too long. Papers for grad school that should have been written long ago are as yet undone. Strangely, I'm not bothered about these things. At least, I'm not as bothered as I should be. An odd calm has accompanied this recent dearth of work, as if I had neither the will nor ability to complete these functions.

Quite likely, my mood stems from my downwardly-spiraling personal life, which has resulted most directly in the termination of my relationship with PianoGirl. We attempted to reconcile two weeks ago, after about three weeks of very little talking and absolutely no personal contact. Nothing was even said about the disagreement that had caused our rift in the first place, our divergent opinions of her family. Instead, we avoided the confrontation entirely. A ruse like that doesn't hold up for long.

Now looking back, the whole situation seemed doomed to failure. Arguments take on a new shade. Minor annoyances flare to huge confrontations. So many seemingly insignificant past events can seem like omens when viewed with the prescience of retrospect. It's not like I haven't been here before. Hell, it's not like I haven't been here many times before. Not that that makes it any easier.

What did I learn this time? What do I now have that's new --that's another clue to what the hell is going on in my head? 1stClarinet and I were mostly friends, though we certainly thought we were more sophisticated than we were. SlavicGroupie proved to me that a mutual fascination with physical intimacy was no basis for a relationship. MaasaiValley and I were never equally matched, though we tried to dance around the issue as much as possible. And ClovisByline showed me that being in love isn't enough if you aren't willing to change your life for your love. I'm still waiting for the grand revelation that this latest escapade will show. Maybe it's part of my self-destructive pursuit of women who need me more than I need them. Maybe it's another point on my seesawing graph between friendship and lust that plots out my past relationships. Maybe it's something altogether different.

I can't think about this any more. It's late, and there are tests I haven't graded. Along with everything else I listed at the beginning of this post. Oh hell.