How to Plan the Perfect Birthday for Your Girlfriend

Since JimmyLuke moved out to his own place (which he in no way shares with HungarianPhrasebook unless it be in an utterly platonic and separate-sleeping-arrangement way) and SecondLaw moved in with me (a decidedly less platonic arrangement), things have been kind of hectic around here, despite the fact that I'm not currently working. We're still trying to sort through our respective crap and decide whose possessions belong where in our collective space. My possessions do have a certain amount of inertia, already being strewn about the place haphazardly, but SecondLaw has managed to defy her nickname on numerous occasions and I frequently find my belongings in places other than where they'd normally be, i.e. on the floor. She may make me a clean person after all.

In honor of her valiant attempts to change me, her indomitable spirit in putting up with me, and the anniversary of her birth, I declared that I would do something special for her birthday, which was last week. Without further ado therefore, here is the step-by-step procedure I hinted at in the title.

1. Plan Something Incredible

You may feel a tad disappointed that this is step one, but it is. I can't tell you what would constitute "incredible" for your girlfriend, but I know what it was for mine. After weeks of moving, building Ikea furniture, and driving between Philly and NYC, she was pooped. So I booked us a luxury corner suite in the Waldorf-Astoria so that she could relax. Maybe your girlfriend is more of the week-in-Vegas type. Or perhaps she's more a backstage-passes-to-Radiohead girl. The clincher of all, of course, would be proposing to her on her birthday, but let's not jump the gun here. Whatever it is, it doesn't really change Step One. Just find something ridiculously expensive and unlikely and book it pronto.

2. Don't Tell Her What You're Planning

This is perhaps the most important step. She will pester you and bug you, but as long as you've successfully completed Step One, there's very little chance of her guessing as high as you've aimed. Just tell her you've planned something, give her the appropriate amount of time that must be blocked off in her schedule for such an event (one evening, two days, a week) and leave it at that. Since women are adamant about knowing what to wear for every given occasion, she will then start to ask you questions along those lines, hoping to glean the nature of the event by your answers. Then it is time for Step Three.

3. Give Her Misleading and Contradictory Information

I had the most fun with this. For weeks leading up to our stay, she'd pepper me with questions, trying to get any kind of information she could. I answered truthfully, but in the most confusing way possible.
"What will I need to wear?"
"Nice clothes."
"Evening gown nice?"
"Casual nice. But you may also want to bring gym clothes."
"What?"
"You know, just in case."

Then there was the precise nature of the whereabouts of the event.
"Will we be taking the subway?"
"We can probably take a cab."
"So it's in Manhattan?"
"Well, we can't really catch a train from Astoria, can we?"
"So we're taking a train?"
"Well, a cab to Newark would be really expensive?"
"Wait, we're not flying anywhere, are we?!?!"
"You're right, it'd probably be easier to fly out of LaGuardia."
"But...haven't you booked everything already?"
"Don't worry, everything's taken care of."
"Grrr...."

4. Tell None of Her Female Friends
You might think you can score points with her friends by letting them in on the secret plans for your girlfriend's birthday, but this will only end up ruining Step Two. She will ask them. They will tell her. It's just the way these things work.

5. Drop Ridiculous Hints In Casual Conversation
Make sure these are the kinds of things that can only be picked up on later. At one point we were discussing plans for her parents' upcoming trip to Virginia.
"Is $149 a night good for a three-star hotel?"
"Well, where is it?"
"Downtown, and they charged me more for an extra person in the room."
"Oh yeah, hotels do that all the time...Have you ever stayed in a five-star hotel?"
"I stayed in a four-star once, but never a five-star."
"Huh..."

You're free to think up your own: "Oh man, I loved In Rainbows and Radiohead's coming to town next week. Bob tried to get tickets but said they were totally sold out. I bet that concert's gonna kick ass..."

6. Tell Her What's Happening Right Before It Happens, As Off-Handedly As Possible
For me, it was while packing the night before.
"Hey, what do you think the best place to stay in New York would be?" I asked her.
"The Plaza"
"Alright, what do you think the second best place would be?"
"The Waldorf-Astoria"
"Well, that's where we're staying."
[stunned silence, gaping eventually morphing into smiling and hugs]

7. Drop Money Like It's Nothing
When booking the room, I didn't want to go for the tiny single room, even if it was at the Waldorf. I wanted something memorable, so I got a 36th-floor room overlooking Fifth Avenue, with separate bath and shower, crystal chandelier, two TVs, separate bedroom and sitting room, and luxury appointments everywhere. There is a dress code at the Waldorf, and when the time came I made sure to dress more like a young executive out for a regular evening rather than a schoolteacher splurging on his girlfriend. Free mineral water (still and sparkling) was brought to our room, along with an assortment of chocolates. We had the fluffiest towels and bathrobes ever created by the hand of man. The bed was so comfortable that SecondLaw literally couldn't sit on it for more than five minutes without falling asleep. It's the first time I've seen furniture-induced narcolepsy. Other than with NoHips, of course.

We did indeed partake of the fitness center at the hotel --which was the most luxurious gym in the world-- so the part about possibly needing gym clothes was actually true.

After a quick shower and change of clothes, it was off to the lobby for drinks at the Peacock Bar, where the scotch is old and plentiful, then down to the Bull & Bear, where I would have to recommend the 12oz filet, with one of their numerous, wizened bottles of red wine.

Now, I'd love to be able to say that we capped this amazing day off with a time of tender, sensual, kinky lovin', but you're forgetting the aforementioned characteristic of our room's bed.

8. At Some Point, Get Someone to Take Your Picture

This serves two purposes. First, it is a tangible reminder of that wonderful occasion made possible only by the brilliant planning and deft execution of the best boyfriend ever. Second, the wistful memory of that one glorious day is a handy insurance policy for any occasion in the coming year in which said boyfriend screws up in some way.